I thought that with all the healing progress I had made I wouldn’t be as affected by her due date.
For months I had been purposefully engaging and leaning into the word, reading books on grief, and spending more time just sitting in prayer and solitude. Though I would never get over missing our daughter and wondering what life would be like with her in our family, I had gotten to a place where I could speak about her briefly without weeping. I had made so much progress, or so I thought.
The day my baby was due was a hard day.
Actually, it was a hard few weeks. There really aren’t any other words to describe the reality of empty arms on the day or days when you were expecting and planning for them to be full. We had anticipated having 8 children at Thanksgiving and Christmas. The only way I can explain it was that it just felt like someone was missing.
One thing I have learned about miscarriage is that you never forget.
I am finding that time does heal the body and God can fill the hole in one’s heart, but there is still a scar. And that scar might fade over time as one leans into the Healer, but there are things in life that can scratch that scar, almost making it an open wound again.
Things that can re-open the wound:
- The Due Date
- The Day of the MIscarriage
- Holding a newborn baby near your due date
- Others announcing they are pregnant
- Being at a birth near your due date
- Being asked how many kids you have and not knowing what to say
- Fear of the unknown future (Do we have more kids? Will this happen again?)
- Disrespectful comments from Pro-Abortionist or the Left-Wing Feminists Against People Having More than 4 Kids
- Witnessing Friends Walkthrough Miscarriage (Weeping Together)
My due date was a couple days away from Thanksgiving this past year, and I was just off that week, and the week leading up to it. I should have reached out and asked for prayer, but I didn’t want to damper the mood of Thanksgiving. I had so much to be thankful for, but in my heart was I not content. I was thankful God spared my life, but I wanted to hold my baby, Selah Rose.
Grief is a peculiar thing, especially in a culture that doesn’t encourage one another to embrace what they are walking through. Be alert and aware, looking to God, resting in Him, and being willing to walk slowly through the Valley of the Shadow of Death in order not to miss anything. When we walk through the valley with our eyes open wide, He is faithful to open our spiritual eyes to really see.
It is when we are in a hurry and impatient that we miss the real lessons God has for us.
Sister, I want to exhort you to walk through this trial and others pursuing spiritual maturity. Do you know what a good test of spiritual maturity is?
Patience waits for the Holy Spirit to move and grow people; heal hearts and relationships.
No, I am certain that in our humanity most people try to rush through the valleys of this life. I know I have and it makes sense. It’s our fight or flight response, right? I have hopefully cried out to God to just take this cup from me. Those cries were genuine and desperate.
But as I was healing from the physical torment of my miscarriage experience, I felt the Spirit of God gently calling me to sit in the throne room of God, in prayer, and meet with my Deliverer for a while. God was inviting me to know Him more, in ways I could have never known Him before. And that sweet time of learning more about Him, through His Word, was so precious that I didn’t want to rush it. I found myself thankful I was on bedrest after my miscarriage–it became my excuse for just resting on Him and learning to surrender my hurt and pain to Him, willing to grow and learn more.
Another thing about grief that I have had to preach to myself is that God calls us to give thanks for our trails.
“My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing.” James 1:2-3
This was something God was impressing into my soul last May when we lost Selah, and even before that when my husband’s business was crumbling. But honestly, sometimes it is hard. It’s not our human nature to praise and thank God for our trials and suffering. It’s counter-cultural, but Biblical.
Read my post Give Thanks in the Midst of Grieving and We Will Worship While We Weep for the biblical encouragement.
“The thankful heart is a “remembering heart”; the heart of praise remembers all that the Lord has done, is doing, and has promised to do.” John MacArthur
I have had to lead my heart, lead my actions, to do the next right thing, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t had moments and days of quiet reflection and silence.
My Advice to a Mom Who Has Just Had a Miscarriage:
- Don’t let anyone push you back into your busy life too soon. Take time to grieve.
- Don’t isolate yourself
- Be Transparent with others and share your story, let people weep with you
- Spend as much time in the Bible and in prayer and worship as possible
- Purposefully rest and don’t allow the culture to make you feel bad for doing so
- Name your baby–remember your baby
- Let God grow you and reveal anyway in you that needs to be more surrendered to Christ.
- Give yourself time
If any of you have suffered through a miscarriage or loss of a baby, or even a child, my heart deeply hurts for you. I grieve with you. I weep with you.
Your Sister in Christ.