Walking through miscarriages has opened my eyes to a very real battle I didn’t even know existed. At the end of this article, you are welcome to watch a youtube video of my husband and I share our raw thoughts 4 days post our first miscarriage.
Many Christian women feel unallowed to grieve the loss of their unborn babies.
Now, for the record, I am very thankful for the community God has placed us in because I do not feel rushed to heal or be DONE grieving.
This article was written during the healing time after our first miscarriage in 2017. Since then we have been blessed with a rainbow baby and have added another treasure to heaven most recently with another pregnancy loss.
I have had many people ask me why our first miscarriage hasd been SO hard on us as a family as if we shouldn’t have been so upset over it.
Some have never experienced a miscarriage, and genuinely just can not understand, but I know many people who have, yet they never expressed or experienced the grief like we had.
If this is you, and you have not lost a baby, don’t relate her loss to the loss of your fur baby and PLEASE DO NOT EVER TELL THE GRIEVING MOTHER YOU KNOW HOW SHE FEELS.
You can weep with her without saying that.
Some who have experienced a miscarriage didn’t quite experience the same level of physical suffering or grief over the loss.
However, an overwhelming many have implied that they too have felt pressure from the culture or their families to suck it up and move on as if they didn’t just lose a child!
And if those mothers are not empowered to grieve the way God designed them to, imagine how many children are also being discouraged from grieving. For our children, a sibling has just died and gone to heaven.
What message is being sent to the children of today when unborn babies die and life is expected to go on without a care, without a pause, a reflection or a tear?
We wonder why our world, the youth, and young adults of today seem distant from morality; this is just one reason! As soon as we teach one generation not to blink at death, at any point, we have encouraged a non-biblical view on life.
All I can say, is I am shocked.
I believe this is ONE more example of how the humanistic philosophies and certain left wing political agendas have influenced the CHURCH.
Satan is subtle, but we know that he is out to seek, kill, and destroy. It’s his nature.
Even though many Christians call themselves PRO-LIFE, they don’t realize how the world’s perspective on the unborn babies has negatively impacted their support of women who experience pregnancy loss.
If we truly believe that a baby is created by God in a mother’s womb, when a baby dies we shouldn’t treat that grief as if it were tissue or an alien, because IT WASN’T!
If we believe what Scripture says in Jeremiah 1:5 that, “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, and before you were born I consecrated you;” and we proclaim and fight for the right of the unborn, how come so many mothers are ashamed to grieve when their baby dies in their womb? How come so many women, fathers, and siblings can’t celebrate their baby’s life or mourn their earthly death?
That’s on us– the Body of Christ. Why don’t a HUGE population of our Sisters in Christ, feel comfortable to grieve for however long they need to.
How come one out of three women suffer a miscarriage, and twenty percent of pregnancies end in miscarriage, yet so many women have never told anyone of their pain or suffering?
This is a cultural problem if we women think that others don’t value our babies enough because they weren’t born yet. God cares! God knew them before they were formed in our wombs. He had and has a purpose for their life. There are beautiful lessons to learn about God as we embrace every season we walk through, the hard ones as well as the joy-filled ones.
We are called to grieve differently.
This verse speaks two things to my soul.
- Because I believe in the TRUTH that sets me FREE, and the HOPE that is in Christ Jesus, I know my babies are ALIVE in Heaven with the Savior and that they are at PEACE. I do not worry about life after this one or where they or I will go because I have a secure salvation. This life is but a vapor, I will be with them in eternity soon enough. So while the world has NO HOPE, but lives in fear and despair, I can rejoice with tears of joy.
- Our grieving will literally look different than the ungodly of this world. While people are and will be ok with killing unborn babies, the godly will weep and wail because their child is lost to this world.
The world believes lies, saying “it’s an alien”, and denying any connection between mama and baby. But I can tell you there is a connection. I know first hand.While the world doesn’t care, I will weep because I will never hold them in my arms. I will never kiss their sweet faces. I won’t get to watch them get married or have their own babies. I grieve their physical death and dream of who they would have been. We were preparing our lives to welcome each of them.
Yes, we grieve the death of an unborn VERY differently than the world because we believe it was a baby! That is different than a HUGE portion of this world! To cry over the loss of a pregnancy admits there was life there!
If you are for abortion and you have wept with me over this loss, I would ask you WHY? Why did you say, “sorry for your loss?” When your opinion usually is that it’s not a baby. If it isn’t a baby, your heart and soul shouldn’t be moved to weep if you truly believe that it wasn’t a baby. Is it only a baby if the pregnant mom wants her baby? So, yes, we Christians should grieve differently than the world and one way we do is by grieving what the world does not.
See, I am finding that all kinds of people have been weeping with us. Thousands of people have been reaching out actually, and not all of them are Christ-followers. I believe that deep down inside, most people know, even if they don’t want to admit it.
I am finding as I seek the face of my Father in heaven, searching to know my babies and the purpose of their short lives more, I am exhorted, humbled, encouraged, and challenged by the Scriptures and their short lives have taught me more about my Lord and Savior. There is joy in my heart even in the midst of grieving.
While we have experienced very gentle, prayer-filled love from others, my heart breaks for those who were not encouraged to grieve, who were not allowed the time to heal in their way.
Not everyone grieves or processes the same.
What I am learning, living in a family of ten is that everyone grieves in their own way.
As parents, what we need to do is create a culture that allows each person to grieve the way God designed them.
For some, like myself, verbally expressing the lessons learned is healing, freeing, and I am encouraged as I obey Scripture by declaring God’s goodness in the midst of trials. It’s one way I lead my heart back to God if I am tempted to wonder–to preach to myself His will found in the Bible. And even if I am not tempted to wonder, my heart’s desire is to find some kind of purpose that can be redemptive and to bring the Lord glory through it.
Some grieve internally. They think a lot and need space to process what happened, what it means, and to even think about how to respond. To some it is so intimate that they just want it to remain between them and God. And there is nothing wrong with that.
Some are hit with grieve right away and others take time–and sometimes it doesn’t hit for a while.
Some understand the importance of worship and praise during grief and dedicate themselves to focusing on Christ fully but that doesn’t mean they aren’t sad at times.
Some cry, some get mad at first, others experience fear, some experience all of these emotions.
We need to allow each other to walk through the valleys each person is on, walking gently, speaking gently, and above all else LISTENING FULLY. This is one burden only Jesus can carry.
We must have patience with where one another are on our spiritual journeys and understanding of the Lord and His Word.
When we seek to understand another’s heart, then we earn the right to help direct them if and when they wonder. But if one doesn’t LISTEN, misunderstands, and assumes incorrectly, they can push the grieving one away and cause more damage and hurt.
One of the worst feelings a grieving person can experience is feeling misunderstood.
If there is one piece of advice I can give someone who knows someone who is going through a loss or a trial, don’t just assume that they will respond the way YOU WOULD. Human nature is to assume that everyone is like us; and it’s selfish, really. The truth is that the only way to know how someone is responding is to watch, ask good questions, pray, and listen. You must WAIT and use discernment. For example, You cannot just expect that if YOU struggle with understanding WHY God would allow such a thing, that everyone else struggles with that too. If you do assume such a thing and just quickly speak or preach a few verses about that, you might actually be closing a door with that said friend, simply because they feel misunderstood and as if you cannot relate.
Grief is disorienting.
It’s true, especially for someone who is experiencing grief for the first time– and with the severity of that from loosing a child.
How is our family doing this, all ten of us, together?
Be patient and walk together unconditionally allowing your children to express their fears, share their feelings, and especially allowing space for weeping and sadness.
How did Jesus grieve?
Another dear friend of ours visited me in the hospital the morning after my surgery when we lost Selah. I was just processing everything, after having two full days of crying. He said to me, “What was the first thing Jesus did when He visited Lazarus at the tomb? He wept. Jesus wept.”
In that moment, I knew it was not only ok to weep, but that Jesus Christ Himself had modeled for us how to grieve and actually, how to grieve with others. He wept!
The Bible exhorts us to “weep with those who weep.” Romans 12:15
It doesn’t say to preach at them, expect them to suck it up and get back to work the next day, and it certainly doesn’t challenge people to forget either. No, as believers, if we just stopped talking, stopped making things about us and our experiences, if we just STOPPED and sat with our Sister, for the sake of loving her, and we wept with her, imagine the healing that could take place today. Imagine!
Be Strong and Courageous
“Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the LORD your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.” Duet. 31:6
In a culture that tells women to be tough as men, to not show weakness, we need to be reminded that STRONG WOMEN WEEP.
If you want to model for your children Biblical grief then cry.
Weep with those who weep. Romans 12:15
Be willing to model for your kids what biblical friendship looks like and go and weep with those in your life who need to weep!
And when it’s time to rejoice, be their BIGGEST CHEERLEADER EVER!
It’s Good for EVERYONE if you grieve!
If you are a momma who is grieving a recent loss of a baby or child, I want to empower and embolden you to grieve, however, God designed you too!
We are in this world, but we are NOT to be like it (Romans 12). One way we should be different is in both HOW WE GRIEVE and HOW WE CARE FOR ONE ANOTHER WHEN WE GRIEVE!
We can grieve in a way that brings God glory!
Worship Him, praise Him, exalt Him, and in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your path straight.
“Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted.” Matthew 5:4, KJV
“You are a hiding place for me; you preserve me from trouble; you surround me with shouts of deliverance. Selah” Psalm 32:7, ESV
To close, my husband and I share in this video our raw heart after our miscarriage. I hope it is an encouragement.
Here is a link to our Worship While Weeping Playlist on Spotify. I hope it blesses you as it has us in times of loss, trials, and grieving.