This is a personal journal entry that might tug at some hearts, or at the least, give some insight into a struggle many women have but don’t speak about.
June 25, 2015
Dear Sisters in Christ,
Today is a big day for our family. Today was our 2nd-trimester ultrasound.As I write this, I am actually kind of anxious.
I’ve never been in this space before over an ultra-sound.
Some might think it’s a reflection of where I am spiritually and to a degree, it could be because you see, I have been wrestling with something. I am kind of embarrassed to say what it is because it seems so silly.
You might be wondering if I am nervous about the baby’s health or if I am going to hemorrhage again, but that’s not it; I have a peace about those things. No, the issue I am struggling with is much more selfish than that.
I REALLY, really, really want a girl.
Of course, we will be thrilled if we have a boy too! And of course, I love my boys just as much as I do my girls.
I recognize there is a different kind of special privilege in raising boys because you are really raising men, leaders of future families for Christ. It’s an honor and a responsibility. I get it! I have four boys and I am so thankful for each of them.
It’s just that for about 8 years I have had a recurring dream that our youngest child in the family was a girl.
I get that I am going out on a limb sharing this with you. And I am not saying this vision was prophetic, but I will admit that my heart has yearned for another baby girl for years.
People often ask me if I know what I am having or have a suspicion. The funny thing is, I am ALWAYS wrong.
In fact, in my personal history, every time I am pregnant at the same time as friends, I always have the opposite gender than everyone else.
So this time, I feel like I am on the verge of learning another lesson from God.
I am anticipating learning once again, how much this baby and pregnancy is not really about me.
I know that God does give us the desires of our heart and I am grasping onto that promise. But deep down inside, I am just waiting to deal with a little bit of loss. I am sure this sounds crazy to you. I have to admit it does to me too, but I just wonder how many women out there have struggled with this too?
Have you ever struggled with wanting something SO bad that you fear you will never see it or experience it? Have you ever wanted a baby so bad and you wonder if you will ever get to that place of contentment so many seem to talk about?
Last week I had the honor of being at a dear friend’s birth. This sweet dear friend of ours had three boys and everyone knew mama wanted a girl. Ninety-five percent of people at her baby shower and within her family guessed she was having a girl! But when the moment came and her husband shouted, “It’s another BOY!” I could see it right away in my dear friend’s eyes as she looked up at me while holding her baby for the first time. In that moment it hit me. There can be a disappointment even in a beautiful birth story, even in a healthy gift of a baby.
It is sometimes the first opportunity for sanctification as a mother. To recognize our own selfish desires when we don’t receive what we desire. We can be like little children even in our thirties, forties, and older.
So what am I preaching to myself right now?
My pregnancy is not all about me.
That whoever He has created to be born into our family is being created with a grander purpose than I even know. That this child, whether girl or boy, has been chosen before time, created and woven in my womb by God for a unique purpose. And I CAN rejoice in that! I can rejoice that God chose me to be this child’s mother and that He will give me the strength I need to raise this baby for His glory IF I keep looking to Him.
For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. Psalm 139:13-16
As I sat in the waiting area with my husband and children at my side, I went through Psalm 139 again. Look at this verse again. What stands out to you?
Nothing in this verse is concerning the pregnant mother’s will or her agenda. Now, don’t get me wrong, I believe God wants to give us the desires of our heart because He IS that good, loving Father that wants to bestow lavish gifts on His children! But sisters, this message to us in Scripture is about the creation and plans for the child’s life.
My frame was not hidden from you… I am fearfully and wonderfully made…when I was woven together… Your eyes saw my unformed body… This passage is for each of us upon our creation! And it is equally for my child’s as well. This verse is pointing me even more to the cross and away from my desires. All the days ordained for me were written in your book. Yes, Lord Jesus! Help me to remember this is the truth for this child. Amen.
Will you pray for me as I surrender my heart’s desire and other sisters who might be struggling with this?
A Word of Exhortation to the Expectant Moms Going through this:
You need to express what you are going through to your husband first, then a mentor, your own mother, or dear friends. Do not give the devil a foothold! You need prayer my Sister! You need support. God has such a great plan for you and your baby and the enemy wants to paralyze you because he knows how valuable you are to the health and well being of your baby. Stand strong, be courageous, speak out and share your fears, confessing them to one another.
This is CRUCIAL. Women can experience depression symptoms during pregnancy that not only effect mom, but also the baby. In addition, if this issue isn’t confronted it can lead to struggles for mom and baby postpartum regarding bonding.
Please get help by reaching out to someone.
This is a totally different kind of post. I have no idea what kind of response I will get if any. But I wanted to be transparent with you all and what is hindering me from experiencing His fullness and ask you as sisters in Christ to be praying for me.
Editorial Addition Post Reveal Party:
My husband and I decided to do something we had never done before and have a reveal party! It was a great way to celebrate this baby’s life, to hear dear friends pray for our baby and God’s purposes and plans for him. And it turned out, that this special event with close friends ministered deeply to my heart and soul; and though I still desired a baby girl, I was able to truly find excitement and contentment as well as feel so blessed to be having a baby boy!
It’s been three years and our little Solomon just turned two years old. He has been such a blessing to our family and I cannot imagine our family without him.
Suffering Loss through Miscarriage
Speaking of struggles, this past year we were blessed with our 8th baby, Selah Rose, though she didn’t make it to her birthday. If you have suffered loss, whether, through a tragedy like miscarriage or never getting the desire of your heart to bear children, my heart goes out to you. I am deeply sorry for your loss and grief. I pray you have grown closer to our Redeemer and Deliverer through your journey.
If you would like more encouragement on this topic, I have written some posts about what God was teaching me through our miscarriage in these posts:
- Worship While Weeping
- Giving Thanks In the Midst of Grieving
- It’s Still Her Birthday Even Though Our Daughter Died
- It’s Good to Grieve the Loss of Your Baby
Thank you for your love & support.