Aren’t we all a work in progress? I sure am. And so is my site as you can see. This is the first article I have written since I changed my theme. Which is one of the reasons why you haven’t heard from me.
I have to apologize, because this blog post is not going to be like any other I have written. This is a journal entry. So if you are a faithful reader, be warned… I’m not trying to teach the top 3 most important ya-da-ya-das or 31 days to a better anything. There are plenty of good reads to fill your google reader on those topics. No this is more of a letter, from my heart to yours, sharing what’s going on, what I have been thinking about with regard to this website… like two friends sitting for some coffee or tea.
You see I have some confessions to make, some fears to face, and some lessons I have learned that I want to share with you.
Welcome. Welcome to my new website. It’s pretty boring, huh? I know. Well, this is why you haven’t heard from me in a while. I have been embarrassed. You see I had a beautiful website that a dear friend and my husband built for me in November of 2011.
We worked hard on it. I was inspired. Called. On a mission. They had skills, we had means, I had purpose… and wahlah. Leaving a Legacy had a great little location in the internet and I was happy there. But then the theme designers didn’t create good enough updates, I experienced a host of frustrations at my new wordpress home including issues with fonts, spacing, image uploads, and the list goes on.
The website was beautiful, but part of me felt like it wasn’t all “me.” You know? The dark wood background made it feel less feminine. Which was ok, but I got sick of it. Silly I know. Kind of like the paint on your kitchen walls I guess, but more personal than even that. For years I blogged at my little blogspot address. I was content cataloging life events and sharing what was on my heart, completely unaware of any blogging world or social media. My life was so much more simple. Just as busy, but different.
Then with this new website came blogging conferences, new friends, connections with old friends and wow… opportunities to fulfill dreams and callings. Within the next 14 months I wrote and published my first book {354 pgs}, then 6 months later I published the Growth & Study Guide {44 pgs}, launched a new website {Redeeming Childbirth.com}, facebook pages {2 of them actually: one for this blog and one for Redeeming Childbirth}, twitter account @AngieTolpin , hopped on linkedin, started 2 Pinterest Accounts {AngieTolpin & GodFocusedBirth}, even attempted Google+ and BAM. A new ministry was birthed and a movement had begun.
To make a long story short, this last year has been a whirlwind. Many think I am super passionate about birth, because I wrote a couple of books about it, but actually, that isn’t what I am most passionate about. I haven’t even had the time to write about those things. Redeeming Childbirth was a calling… something I was called to do for a long time and feared doing it. I promised God I would give it my all… and I did. In fact I gave it so much an ongoing joke with my kids is that the laptop broke because I wrote so much at night. It’s true, my laptop did actually get so full we had to download the content twice in the last two months. Even that wasn’t enough, just a few weeks ago, the battery swelled in the laptop, bent the keyboard and book a hinge. Disappointed, very. But you know… it isn’t eternal.
But now, as I come upon the significant one year anniversary of the launch of the book and ministry, I reflect on this past year. During the summer, I took a sabbatical for refreshment and to focus on the Cross, all He had done, as well as seek guidance to reveal what the next project was. It was loud and clear. The next project was the same project I had been committed to for years: my family, our life, and all the responsibilities He had given me.
I feel like I have been in transition for a few months… well a lot longer than that. You know how when you add a new member to your family, you have a baby, or adopt… you go through a season of transition or growing pains {and joys}, you are trying to figure out how this new member is getting integrated into your family? That is kind of how it is when you start a ministry or a movement.
You see, when this website, Leaving a Legacy was created I was doing some coaching and speaking at Mom’s Groups; and my husband and I were running Leaders {Executive} Marriage Seminars utilizing an assessment which we had become highly trained in. But a lot has transitioned and changed in the past two years. My husband left his 18-year career a year ago to engage his passion and fulfill his magnitude of mission. All this change while homeschooling 6 wonderful kids under 13 has left me in a place of evaluating carefully where my time is spent.
So here is the thing. I haven’t been writing here because I simply didn’t know where to start. What part of the appearance do I try to learn and fix here? Or do I just write? I feared if people came here, they would take one look at this boring unfinished canvas and never return… or worse yet, unlike my facebook page {gasp}. Note the sarcasm~ I hardly ever am sarcastic.
I have had so many thoughts, inspirations, ideas for what I feel I would like to share and do… but I simply had way too much on my plate. I think of maybe 3-6 “journal entries” or “articles” a day! Someone recently asked me if I ever experienced writer’s block. I laughed because I have the complete opposite problem. Too much constantly going through my mind, ideas, thoughts, intense vision, that it weighs on me, on my soul. I get so many things on my heart… that I just get overwhelmed. Have you ever been there?
So what happened to Leaving a Legacy?
I decided to change themes. I thought it was something I would have time to tinker with, but I was wrong. I could whine about all the things I wish for this site… but ultimately, they don’t really matter. Not really.
I have been so sad, just simply sad about this site, that though I have felt lead to write on many occasions about all kinds of things, I have just been so embarrassed about this site. I can’t get my logo to fit. I need to spend time watching theme videos to learn a new website theme and I just don’t have the time.
This is the thing that most people don’t realize… having a blog or a website isn’t just about writing, editing and pushing publish… not anymore. There is a whole side to this “blogging” world that many don’t realize. The upkeep and grooming, or housecleaning of a site alone can suck or drain your time. You have to like it to stick with it, or hire someone… and it isn’t cheap. There are domain fees, widget & plugin fees, themes cost, and so does hiring out programming. Honestly, all this can be a little much. I got overwhelmed.
Then, last week I saw something that spoke to me. “Don’t wait until everything is perfect to put it out there… just put it out there.” I realized, I was allowing myself to be concerned with the things that don’t matter. Like having to wear makeup to go to the grocery store, when I am actually not even like that. I hardly care about that stuff. So WHY did my website have to perfect?
Don’t wait for everything to be perfect, just hit publish. {Click to Tweet}
Confession #1: Vanity. I cared too much how the website looked. I wanted every post to have a beautifully watermarked photo… funny how when I switched themes all my images got screwed up and the links disappeared.
If you have a blog because you love to write, why get distracted with the vain aspects that don’t matter. If you are made to write, write. {Click to Tweet}
Confession #2: Fear of Others. I often write pretty raw. I feel called to write about the things most people aren’t willing to. But sometimes I get scared to actually push that stinkin’ publish button in the dashboard. I have over 80 drafts just sitting, waiting to be published because either I am too scared or I wanted it to be perfect {with a watermarked image}.
Confession #3: Thinking Less of Myself/Low Self Esteem. So often I think, what is the point? Why should I even bother blogging? There are SO many other bloggers out there, some even seeming to say similar messages. Why? What’s the point? It is a ton of work? I do like to sleep. And what if I put it on facebook and no one even notices or “likes” it. What if, all of it was a waste and no one really wants to know what is going on in my heart or brain. But I realized in this, that God has given me a voice. A heart and words to share… for His glory. I was never doing this for me. It wasn’t ever about “Angie”… this has always been about God… this extra ordinary God who has taught this ordinary stay at home mom who didn’t even finish University how to lean into Him and understand scriptures, theology and more all from experiencing Him in the everyday. Even the mundane. That in those things that is when He is most glorified as I am refined. It is in my weakness that His glory shines through. I realized that I had been deceived by a liar who was telling me I wasn’t worth listening too or reading. I realized that the enemy wanted to discourage me… so I would be quiet. And when others seem to have similar messages, instead of allowing it to shut me down or tempt me to be competitive, I needed to preach to myself that it is the Holy Spirit moving among the Body of Christ, all over the world. That having similar messages are confirmations that we are in alignment with His Spirit–we all are.
Confession #4: I let what I was writing become too much a part of my identity. I am a writer, but it is just part of who God made me to be. Most only know me for my work with Redeeming Childbirth, not for the 430 blog post articles here. There is so much more to me, than even this space.
You are more than what you write, a book, or a blog. {Click to Tweet}
So now that I have confessed part of what I have been struggling with… here is what I hope to change.
I am not going to waste anymore time trying to do what I am not naturally gifted at or don’t have the time to do. So my site is going to look average… like me. I am not going to attempt to do a series… so my posts may all be random… on totally different topics. This may drive some of you nuts and you can feel free to unsubscribe, but my walk with the Lord works like this: The Lord is a part of every aspect of my life and I am constantly learning from Him. Often times, not always, but often times, what I am learning I feel prompted to share here. I am willing before the Lord to be honest and open with who I am as a sinner walking in grace… and I truly hope that what I share can encourage even one person.
I am not going to let my worry about what people think of this site stop me from writing. Even if it’s like inviting you into my home on a bad laundry day with toys scattered and dishes overflowing out the sink.
Why do I even want to have a blog?
Blogs seem to be so trendy these days. It seems like everyone and their dog is getting one. But why? I have this website because this is part of how I feel called to contribute to the Body of Christ. This is my gift to bring. Other’s are called to serve in Children’s ministry, others love to set up chairs, but for the season of life I am in… this is what God has called me to: writing and speaking. I love engaging with people and watching God use the yucky parts of my life to encourage others. It’s redemptive and makes it all more worth it somehow.
There are plenty of other things I would LOVE doing. But I know without a doubt, God has called me to write. It’s part of me. It is. And I love it. I love engaging with you and hearing what He is teaching you.
So here I am, saying I am sorry for allowing something so stupid to stop me. And you know what, I am over it. If you benefit in any way from my writing I hope you will join me!
With All My Heart Laid Out There,
Angie Tolpin
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